My husband has died. My children no longer have a father. As I listen to my daughter wailing in the background, I think to myself, “Oh my God, I have to call my son.” He knows we haven’t heard from him and is concerned. How do I tell him over the phone? My daughter is begging me not to tell him. Literally begging me to please not tell him. I know she’s not thinking rationally but I get it. How do you tell your child over the phone that his father has died. I make the call and put on my best “everything’s fine” voice because I want him to be home when I tell him. He answers and I said, “Hey, where are you?” He’s at the store. “Can you call me when you get home?” He knows something’s wrong despite my best efforts and he tells me he’s in the car in the parking lot. I tell him his father died. He says, “What?” I will never forget the way he said it. The disbelief in his voice. The heartache and pain. He is going to drive home and be with his girlfriend. My heart is officially broken We have wonderful, beautiful, kind children. This is not supposed to happen to them. All we want is for them to be happy and they are devastated.
Now what do I do? My daughter is still inconsolable, my son is in NY and I’ve got to start making phone calls because I honestly don’t know what to do. I call his younger brother. My daughter ends up having to tell him, because I have another call I have to take. He told me he fell to his knees in agony. This is his third sibling to die. I call my sister, my best friend, my boss, the coroner calls asking me questions I can’t and shouldn’t be answering. It’s too soon. In the meantime, we need to get to NY. The problem is my daughter refuses to leave. She is distraught, hyperventilating, numb. She won’t go. If she doesn’t go, it’s not real. My only choice is to call 911 and get them to help me. She needs something to calm her down. I will never forget. They arrive and are so nice and supportive and decide to transport her to the hospital where maybe they can give her a sedative. In the meantime, I can’t help but notice that she flinches if I touch her and she can’t look at me. We had always been close, and had some issues over the years but this is different. We get to the hospital and I call her former boss who is more of a friend now and even though she just had a baby and has two other toddlers at home, she comes to the hospital. She is a calming presence, someone my daughter will listen to. After 3 hours at the hospital and a prescription, we finally are heading to NY. We all agree to meet at a hotel as no one wants to go to the place where their dad died. I finally see my son and girlfriend and we just hug and hug and cry. It’s now close to midnight, we are all exhausted. My son, his girlfriend, my daughter and her boyfriend are in a room and I have the adjoining room. I’m scared. We have to go to bed but how will we sleep? How can I go to sleep knowing my husband died in his sleep? Will I die tonight too? My fear and grief keeps me up most of the night. I know deep inside I will not survive this heartache. We have been married almost 34 years. I dated him at 18 married at 19 and 34 years later, he’s gone. What am I going to do? I really have no idea. My daughter can barely look at me, she must blame me for not being there. That hurts too. How will we ever get through this?
How can I possibly close my eyes to go to sleep when I am positive I am not waking up?
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