The beach is my favorite place in the whole world. I don’t go in the water and I hate getting sandy but despite that, I love it so much. I am at Newport Beach. It’s cold for California and I am wearing a sweater even though I came from New York yesterday where it was 28 degrees. I feel so close to my husband here. He loved the beach as much as I do. He even went in the water and would stay in forever. We had some great times at the beach. Sometimes a bunch of us would go and have a fire and just hang out. It was such a simple time. I am at such a crossroads in my life. I would love to move back to California. It’s just so expensive and more importantly it is too far from my kids. I just can’t leave them. I don’t want to leave them. My daughter and I still have so much to work through. I am still not sure why she’s angry at me, but she is blogging and expressing her feelings that way. It’s great to read but also horrible as I hate she’s in pain. No matter how old your children get, they are still your children. Of course they won’t understand that until they have their own. It’s a cruel joke in a way. I’m my mom telling me these things that she would say to me and annoy me! If she doesn’t text me back I feel she’s angry at me. I’m trying to not feel that way. I have to realize she’s a grown up, married and has a busy career. It still hurts. I love both my kids so much. When she couldn’t tell me she loved me when she dropped me at the airport, I’m still not sure I can recover. I haven’t even told my therapist about that yet. I don’t want her to think she’s a bad person because she’s not at all. I have decided I’m staying in NY until April and then probably moving back to Boston. I loved it there and had made a life for myself. You can’t go home again I have learned. I was gone 5 years, people moved on, made new friends. I may spend a month in California, I just don’t know. My daughter and her husband bought a house and I’ve been there 3 times, maybe.
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